The Marauder's Map! and how it defeated Voldie
by Shades of Ink
Summary: Odd little story in which Harry speaks to his long dead father, who in turn goes berserck in finding that he has a son. And Voldemort is poked to death. Need I say more? A little old, but hey.
1. Intro

Hey all you Sirius Fans out there! I'm in denial, too! This started out with sort of a cool idea, but then it turned all stupid on me. Ha! Hope it makes your day! I think writing this fanfic lowered my IQ by like 20 points. Ha ha!  
  
Harry had tried everything. He tried to talk to the mirror. He tried to get answers from Sir Nicholas. He tried to look behind the veil, only to see nothing there.  
  
Little did he know, there was one other way to speak to Sirius. He had seen the words of someone once that had been dead for years. He just hadn't realized it at the time. Oh, listen to the wise words of the Marauders:  
  
Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.  
  
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that professor Snape is an ugly git.  
  
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.  
  
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.  
  
When Harry had seen those invisible hands write that message in his third year, his father had been 12 years dead!  
  
Of course, it took a while for the blow of Padfoot's death to fall, and for Harry to start to remember these sorts of things.  
  
But something, while sitting alone and sad in Privet Drive, had sparked his memory.  
  
He brought the Marauder's Map out from the depths of his trunk and unrolled the old and dusty parchment. "I solem-"  
  
Harry stopped when he remembered Snape hadn't said the password for the words to appear. The four students must have sealed their souls in this map somehow. They would live as long as this map remained unharmed.  
  
"Hello?" he asked tentatively. Nothing happened and the parchment remained blank.  
  
Harry brought out his wand. He remembered Snape using his wand. "Hello? I am Harry Potter." Harry felt very stupid indeed talking to an old roll of parchment. One that wasn't answering back, by the way.  
  
Harry thought maybe the map had spoken to Snape because it recognized him. Maybe it had been made in a vow to torment Snape as long as he lived. They had had no idea who Harry Potter was at the time they made the map. Why should they know him now?  
  
Harry repeated his introduction, and this time, tapped the map with his wand. He sighed when nothing happened, and reached out his hand to grab the map when words finally appeared.  
  
They appeared in Sirius's handwriting.  
  
Sirius: Hello Harry Potter. Curious name you have there. It just so happens you have the same last name as Prongs over here, 


	2. Who in the bloody world is Harry Potter?

Sirius: Hello Harry Potter. Curious name you have there. It just so happens you have the same last name as Prongs over here,  
  
Prongs: Padfoot, old friend, I thought we all agreed to keep our names secret. We don't want this person knowing about the great power we possess.  
  
Remus: Would you two stop? Prongs, I don't think it's very wise to be talking openly about any great powers if it's supposed to be secret. And Padfoot, shut it about Prongs's name.  
  
Harry interrupted, "Oh, I know your names, you don't have to worry."  
  
Sirius: He can't! You didn't tell, did you Prongs?  
  
James: I would never! How dare you accuse me of such a thing!  
  
Peter: By the way, who in the bloody world is Harry Potter?  
  
Harry hesitated before answering, "Er. me."  
  
Sirius: Who are you?  
  
James: Padfoot, I think we've covered that already. He's Harry Potter.  
  
Remus: Yes, Prongs, we all know that. But have you the slightest idea who Harry Potter is?  
  
James: No, Moony. But I don't think you have the slightest clue, either.  
  
Sirius: Why don't we ask him, then?  
  
Peter: I thought I already did.  
  
Harry found this conversation very amusing, even if he didn't have to say anything.  
  
James: So, anyways, Harry, - I always liked that name.  
  
Remus: Get to the point, Prongs.  
  
James: Oh yeah, who are you?  
  
Harry grinned, "I'm you're son"  
  
Sirius: Ha! It's like Star Wars backwards!  
  
Peter: What in Riddle's name is Star Wars?  
  
Sirius: Oh, it's this muggle movie that just came out.  
  
James: Uh, Wormtail, what exactly do you mean by 'in Riddle's name'?  
  
Remus: Who's Riddle?  
  
Peter: Er. nobody.  
  
Harry frowned, "Peter's a traitor! He's in league with Voldemort, and he sold you're whereabouts to the Dark Lord, and he killed you!"  
  
James: Killed who?  
  
"You!" Harry cried to the map.  
  
James: I'm dead?  
  
Sirius: Well, technically you're in a map.  
  
James: I am?  
  
Remus: Wormtail, is any of this true?  
  
Peter: *ink smudge*  
  
James: Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute. I have a son?  
  
Harry nodded, "Yup."  
  
Remus: Who's the mother?  
  
James: er.  
  
Sirius: This is fun!  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was debating with himself whether or not he should tell them.  
  
James: er. yeah. who's the. er. mother?  
  
Harry smiled, "Lily." 


	3. Legolas gets lost

Remus: Ha!  
  
Sirius: I knew it!  
  
Peter: When did this happen, Prongs?  
  
James: I didn't I swear!  
  
Sirius: ha ha  
  
Remus: ha ha ha  
  
James: What are you grinning at?  
  
Peter: I swear, Voldemort made me!  
  
Harry blinked.  
  
James: okay. I don't think we should be pointing any fingers until I'm dead.  
  
Sirius: Which you're not.  
  
James: Thanks for pointing that out, Padfoot.  
  
Remus: heh hehh. Is Sirius. er. married at all?  
  
Sirius: Am I? Am I?  
  
Harry bit his lip, "Er. no."  
  
James: Ha!  
  
Sirius: Do I at least have a girlfriend?  
  
Harry shook his head, "No."  
  
Sirius: Why not?  
  
Remus: What, did he get too old and wrinkly?  
  
Sirius: Hey!  
  
James: Yeah. ha ha. why didn't old Padfoot get any girls, huh?  
  
Harry frowned, "Because he's on the run from the Ministry."  
  
Sirius: I am? Ahhhh!  
  
Remus: Calm down.  
  
James: Ha! And why's that?  
  
Sirius: They didn't find out about my. er. secret?  
  
James: Padfoot's a dog.  
  
Sirius: Shut up, Prongs, I'll turn you in, too!  
  
James: How could you? Harry says I'm dead.  
  
Remus: How sad.  
  
Sirius: You are?  
  
James: Hello? Yes.  
  
Remus: Hey. could we all. er. talk to the thirty-somethin year old Padfoot?  
  
Harry's heart sank, "No. er."  
  
Sirius: Why not?  
  
Harry frowned, "You're dead, too."  
  
James: But you said he was on the run! Was it really that bad that they tried to track him down after he was dead, too?  
  
Harry shook his head, "Nobody knows you're dead."  
  
Remus: How sad. Who killed him?  
  
Harry clenched his teeth, "Bellatrix Lestrange."  
  
Sirius: That's curious, I have a cousin named Bellatrix.  
  
Harry closed his eyes, "She is your cousin."  
  
Sirius: Oh. I never liked her anyway.  
  
Remus: Am I still alive?  
  
Harry nodded, "Yeah?"  
  
James: That's not fair!  
  
Remus: What, do you want me dead?  
  
James: No, of course not.  
  
Sirius: I don't want to die! Mommy!  
  
Remus: Padfoot, I thought you said you hated your mum.  
  
Sirius: Oh yeah. Mrs. Potter!  
  
Harry frowned even more, "Come to think of it, she's dead, too."  
  
James: Mum? How'd that happen?  
  
Harry sighed, "I don't know."  
  
Remus: How sad.  
  
Sirius: But she made my food for me!  
  
James: She made my food, too.  
  
Sirius: I DON"T KNOW HOW TO COOK! I'M GONNA STARVE TO DEATH!  
  
Harry shook his head, "I'm sure they'll feed you in Azkaban."  
  
Remus: Azkaban? I thought you said Padfoot was on the run.  
  
Sirius: This is exciting!  
  
"That's why he's on the run - he escaped." Harry said  
  
Sirius: Wow! How'd I manage that?  
  
Remus: I never knew you had it in you, Padfoot.  
  
Harry tried to remember the story, "You turned into a dog, and the dementors couldn't sense you as a dog."  
  
Sirius: Hey! Who told you I could turn into a dog?  
  
Harry smiled, "You did."  
  
Sirius: Oh.  
  
Remus: Did Padfoot tell you anything about. er. about me?  
  
Harry shook his head, "No, actually, you told me that."  
  
Remus: I did?  
  
James: I miss my mommy!  
  
Sirius: You know Moony?  
  
Harry nodded, "Yeah, he used to teach at Hogwarts."  
  
James: Wicked!  
  
Sirius: Prongs, I thought you were still crying over our mum.  
  
James: Oh yeah, Mommy!  
  
Remus: What do you mean, 'used to'?  
  
Harry scowled as he remembered his third year, "Snape told the whole school what you were, and you had no choice but to resign."  
  
Sirius: The greasy git!  
  
Remus: Wait a moment. he's a teacher, too?  
  
Harry nodded, "Unfortunately."  
  
James: Did you know, that if you get Snape really really angry, his face looks like an eggplant with a wig?  
  
Remus: That's lovely.  
  
Sirius: Ha! I remember that! He looked just like that after prongs saved him from Moony.  
  
Remus: Please don't remind me.  
  
Sirius: Well, he deserved it.  
  
James: Yeah, and I had to save him.  
  
Sirius: You didn't have to, Prongs - you could have just -  
  
Legolas: It is he. Cannot you see him passing from tree to tree?  
  
Remus: Who are you?  
  
James: Who's passing from tree to tree?  
  
Sirius: Hey, get lost, you elf!  
  
Legolas: Where's my bow?  
  
James: I don't see any trees!  
  
Legolas: Who has my bow?  
  
Sirius: What are you doing here?  
  
James: What trees? I don't see any trees! Wormtail, do you see any trees?  
  
Remus: How did you know he's an elf?  
  
Sirius: Can't you see the pointy ears?  
  
Remus: Oh yeah.  
  
Legolas: Where is Gimli? And what of Aragorn?  
  
Sirius: Who the bloody *ink smudge* are they?  
  
James: Am I going nutters? Am I the only one here who doesn't see any trees?  
  
Remus: No, you're not crazy, Prongs. There are no trees.  
  
Sirius: Doesn't this parchment come from trees?  
  
Remus: Try not to confuse Prongs, will you, Padfoot?  
  
Sirius: Okay. 


	4. The rise and fall of Tommy Boy

James: Hey, what happened to Wormtail?  
  
Sirius: Dunno.  
  
Remus: Oy! You guys, over here! He left a note.  
  
James: Where?  
  
Remus: |  
  
|  
  
V  
  
Hello all. This is Wormtail's note. I am here to tell you that Wormtail is at a very important meeting with Lord Voldemort and his death eaters. I am sorry to say that Wormtail is a death eater. He is planning all of your deaths and is also planning on starting a Severus Snape Fan Club, dubbing himself President, because he absolutely worships him. Voldemort is not too happy about this, and Wormtail is finding a way to come up with starting a Severus Snape and Lord Voldemort Fan Club without Ministry Officials running after him.  
  
--Good luck with getting Legolas back to Middle Earth,  
  
---Bob (the name of Peter's note)  
  
James: W-wor-worship. S-sna-snape? After all we t-taught him?  
  
Remus: Looks like it.  
  
Sirius: I thought he worshipped us!  
  
Harry spoke up for once, "I guess not."  
  
Remus: So, is he alive, too?  
  
Harry scowled, "Unfortunately."  
  
James: Mommy! I miss you!  
  
Sirius: Hey, what happened to the elf guy?  
  
Remus: I told him I was a werewolf, and he ran off.  
  
James: Ha!  
  
Harry wasn't sure what was going on, or who Legolas was, and he didn't have time to wonder - for his Uncle's voice interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Who are you talking to, boy? I better not come in there to find any of YOUR kind standing in my house!"  
  
"No, sir." Harry frowned. Did he just call Uncle Vernon 'sir'?  
  
James: Who the bloody *ink smudge* was that?  
  
Sirius: Would you stop smudging the ink, Prongs?  
  
James: Sorry.  
  
Harry sighed, wondering how he should explain this, "It's your future wife's, muggle sister's, extremely overweight future husband. He doesn't like me very much."  
  
James: Oh.  
  
Remus: If he doesn't like you, then why do you live at his house?  
  
Harry considered how to answer this, and decided to only give them a quick summary. "Because Voldemort killed my father. er. Prongs. and my mother. er Lily - "  
  
Lily: I have a son?  
  
Sirius: What are you doing here?  
  
Lily: Why shouldn't I be here?  
  
Remus: Prongs, are you blushing?  
  
James: Huh? What?  
  
Peter: He IS blushing!  
  
Sirius: I thought you had a meeting with the dark lord.  
  
Peter: Oh, there was an intermission. I just came back to make sure nobody knew about my evil plans to betray you all.  
  
James: Oh, ok.  
  
Lily: Since when do meetings have intermissions?  
  
Tom: Silence!  
  
Sirius: Who's Tom?  
  
Tom: Oops.  
  
Voldemort: Silence!  
  
Sirius: That's better. At least now we know who we're talking to.  
  
James: Oh, Blimey! It's Voldemort!  
  
Remus: I think we've cleared that up already, Prongs.  
  
James: Lily, save yourself! You're not supposed to die until we're married and have a son - years from now.  
  
Lily: Okay.  
  
James: Love you!  
  
Lily: Love you too!  
  
Sirius: Awwwwww!  
  
Remus: Oy, it IS Voldemort!  
  
Ron: Bloody hell!  
  
James: Huh?  
  
Ron: Oh, sorry. Hiya Harry!  
  
Harry stared numbly at the parchment, "Hi."  
  
Voldemort: I have come to kill Harry, because I have run out of ideas for cruel and evil plans, so I decided to find him via this map. Mwahahahahahaha!  
  
James: Sure, just try not to crumple the paper.  
  
Voldemort: Okay.  
  
Harry started to get panicked, "You're not going to save me, dad?"  
  
Sirius: Did he just call you dad?  
  
James: That's creepy.  
  
Remus: Don't worry, Harry. The Dark Lord is now sealed forever in this map, so he can't hurt you, and now the world is free of evil.  
  
Harry beamed and started jumping up and down. "Yay! Yay! I don't have to kill him! Yeah! Woooooooooo!"  
  
"Take THAT, Trelawney!"  
  
And the wizarding world lived happily ever after, and JK Rowling gasped and just stood there with her mouth wide open.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Voldemort: Ouch! Stop poking me!  
  
James: Ha ha! This is fun! Poke him!  
  
Sirius: Poke!  
  
Voldemort: Ouch! This isn't funny!  
  
Remus: Not so tough now that you don't have your wand, now are ya, Tommy Boy?  
  
Voldemort: What did you call me?  
  
James: What, you don't like being called Tommy Boy, Tommy Boy?  
  
Sirius: Ha ha! Poke!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END! WOOOOO!!! YEAH!  
  
*sneezes* 


	5. THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT but

HAHA! And you thought this was another chapter??? Nope. Just bored. I LOVE REVIEWS!!!! So this is my humble thankies to my reviewers.  
  
I MMIIGGHHTT write a sequel, but I still don't know how.  
  
I don't *literally* mean I don't know how to write a sequel, but in this case, it's a bit challenging.  
  
Amybw89: MY FIRST REVIEW!!!!! YEAH!  
  
Valarauko: Isn't random the same as unexpected? Anyways. a sequel would be cool. but, I would definitely need suggestions. How much more can I write if I just destroyed the Harry Potter universe? (which I think this story just did)  
  
Iapetus: Wow! I'm.. ORIGINAL???? *Sniffs* that's so nice!!! And yes, it is a bit sad.  
  
APOLLA/ARTIMIS: I wouldn't say it's the best story.. but *grin* everyone's entitled to their own opinions. Glad I could make you laugh.  
  
Elle: Crazy? Moi? Where'd you get that from? Hehe, just kidding. SakuraAngel623: You loved it? You actually *loved* it? EEK!  
  
Nixiy: haha! Giggles insanely. I love it. I'm gonna use that from now on. *giggles insanely* hahahahaaaaa!  
  
YUKI TENSHI: hehe. It was 'cool.' *feels special*  
  
GUESS WHAT?  
  
Umm.. Don't got nuthin to say. O well.  
  
Happy Tuesday!! 


End file.
